That fateful day high on old Miller’s Hill
had left me shaken. I hadn’t expected what had happened, and it had left me a
changed woman. Indeed, a conflicted woman. But it wasn’t just Jack’s doing, it
was mine as well, and deep within myself I had discovered feelings that I
didn’t know I had. He had made me bloom like a flower, and now my petals
yearned for more.
After that summer, we’d both left our small
town to attend separate schools. Mine was a little Christian college, and Jack attended
a large, secular university where he’d received a scholarship. He’d promised to
remain true to himself, and I believed him because I’d seen his virtuousness as
I’d gazed deep into his eyes. And yet, I worried – I’d been given a window into
his nature, and there would be so many temptations far from the safety of our
pure and wholesome community.
My first semester that year had been fairly
uneventful. I focused on theology classes during the week and Bible studies on
the weekend with a couple of like-minded young women. We shared a common desire
to live our lives the right way, and, with their Milky-white complexions framed
by flaxen hair, they embodied a purity that I knew was right.
One weekend, after we’d been discussing faith,
family, and morality, I’d stepped out to the powder room, but when I returned,
I’d caught the two of them whispering and giggling. “What are you laughing at?”
I asked, blushing. They looked at each other conspiratorially, and then looked
back at me, caught, with guilty looks on their faces.
After a short, uncomfortable silence, one of
them broke it: “It’s something that Schwartzmann said to me,” and I cringed.
That horrible, odious, little, swarthy boy had somehow wormed his way into
our college and would say the most inappropriate things. Unspeakable things.
She continued, “As I was leaving the Quad, I
heard a whistled catcall across the grass. I reflexively turned and looked, and
he shouted at me ‘Hey baby, you cold or just happy to see me?’”, and then, her
voice dropping to a whisper, she said with eyes wide, “He asked me to join him
in the ‘Winnebago of Love’!”
The blood rushed to my face. How dare he! Prancing
around with his shirt unbuttoned halfway down, shouting these unspeakable
things across the Quad for everyone to hear! But what on Earth could have
possessed my companions to find any humor in this? I asked them.
The other answered with a question: “What,
pray tell, do you think goes on in the ‘Winnebago of Love’?”, and gave me a
knowing smirk, and I blushed as I felt the bloom of my petals rise again as I
imagined what Schwartzmann might have meant by the temperature reference.
We finished up our studies, but I was unable
to focus – I couldn’t stop thinking about the “Winnebago” that that odious
little Schwartzmann was talking about, and I yearned to ask Jack. With his unfailing attention to my emotions
and the flowers he always brought me, I knew that Jack could make these
feelings of anxiety disappear.
And, as if on cue, no sooner had we completed
our meeting and these fine young women left, when a knock on the door came.
“Who is it?” I called out. In a husky
voice, I heard, “It’s me, Jack” through the door, and my heart skipped a beat.
It couldn’t be! His secular university was hours away by car and we hadn’t agreed
to meet. But he appeared in the flesh, and I was overcome with what I now know
as an older woman to be the return of those deeply romantic feelings I had felt
on old Miller’s Hill.
I ran to him, and, after a moment’s
hesitation, warmly embraced him. I looked deeply into his eyes and said, “It’s
wonderful to see you again, Jack! How are you?” as I chastely grasped his firm biceps.
His manner surprised me: He seemed shy,
almost ashamed of something. He wouldn’t, or couldn’t, hold my gaze, and I felt
a nearly uncontrollable desire to minister to his needs.
And then, as if releasing a great burden, Jack
began to reveal it all: “I’ve made so many mistakes… And now my mother has lost
everything,” and gave me a look of dread. He continued, “I’ve sown my magic seeds
…”
The room seemed to spin slowly and I could
only hear the pounding of my heart, as my worst fears seemed to be coming true…
But he held me close against his
sculpted abs and pleaded, “It’s not my fault – I’m a red blooded American,” and
with a hopeful smile he said something about an endless supply of “golden Fabergés”
and my heart melted… And then, over angelic harp music, I heard him say with a
sexy determination “It’s huge and thick, and grows to the sky”, and I felt
myself losing control as I felt the thrust of
(continued on page 667)
Clearly the Winnebago of Love looked exactly like this - http://image.internetautoguide.com/f/celebrities/spaceballs-the-movie-1973-winnebago-eagle-v-spaceship/23181444+w527+st0/spaceballs-the-movie-1973-winnebago-eagle-v-spaceship.jpg
ReplyDeleteClearly.
That is exactly what it looked like, except there was a giant green vine hanging from the bottom!
DeleteSchwartzmann, that damn odious Jew. Seems there's one in every kids fairy tale, especially the older Teutonic ones for some reason.
ReplyDeleteAin't Dr. Laura Jewish?
DeleteOy vey! Me and my mishpocheh take great offense to being called odious. These transgressions at this "Christian" university obviously are what converted Dr. Laura to Judaism. Thankfully, she didn't stay there with these yente and got a proper education.
DeleteWhat does odious mean again? :)
Jack makes plants grow...huge, thick ones that grow to the sky..how can Schwartzmann compete??!! Life is so unfair.
ReplyDeleteFi, fi, fo, fum, which one is Schwartzmann?
DeleteHow about …
ReplyDeleteI felt the thrust of…
my egotistic virtue tearing me away from him. Part of me wanted to climb on his beanstalk and taste heaven. But despite the dew on my flower, some unfailing and disappointing Godly power drove me from him. He had broken his crown long ago, and was now gunning for mine.
Feeling virtuous yet unsatisfied I spent another night alone in prayer.
But as I prayed, I was overcome with fatigue from the emotion of the day's events, and I fell into a deep slumber. I dreamed of myself as a much older woman, a woman who'd successfully secured the man of her dreams, and now had become rich beyond her wildest imaginings. Hollywood had recognized my accomplishment and had responded in kind by creating a made-for-tv miniseries called "A Billionaire for Christmas", a romance-for-the-ages. In one scene, the man playing my husband presents me with a string of golden beads for
Delete(continued on page 669)
boyoboyoboy -- where were these virtue-laden women when *I* went to a Christian university my freshman year? If I met someone like Dr Laura then, I could have ended up with one of those heavenly bodies, and wouldn't have transferred to one of those hell-bound secular universities that worship Mammon! Thanks for the carnal thoughts, Dr Laura!
ReplyDeleteWhy ride in the "Winnebago of Love" when you can ride Space Mountain baby, WOOOO!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to have to put Jack in a figure four leg lock and get him out of Dr. Laura's life. That hot mamma is the Natcha Boy's. WOOOO!!!!
Damn, it's to early to be doing this crap. ;)
What an inappropriate, unspeakable thing to say!
DeleteGot any golden Fabergés?
Meh... I wonder if she's a real blonde
DeleteIt is apparent to me that Jack goes to Auburn, that the Winnebego of love is a party barge for attending all the games, and that FSU should not win tonight unless evil has taken over the world (and it has not yet entirely, because Nick Saban lost two games this year).
ReplyDeleteIt is also apparent that the Christian school is Baylor, but didn't they blow their chance against Ok State?
This is an interesting football story, but I am not sure that it will make ESPN College Gameday this afternoon.
This makes me want to move to Tukwila!
DeleteWinnebago? Is that some sort of Winnie the Pooh reference? That is just sick.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was still touring (did you hear I'm retired?) I had a mansion-on-wheels love bus. It even had one of those fancy coke machine that could make raspberry root beer!
I don't understand the giant stock references...
"the thrust of ..." disappointment as once again I realized Seattle is no place for sports fans. Go Hawks! Peyton Manning should send you a thank you letter for cementing his legacy.
ReplyDelete